Wednesday, June 16, 2010

What to do with myself

So this weekend was awesome. Heck, half the time I didn't even know where the kids where. This new house is perfect for them. They have so much to do and are safe everywhere, that they are just free to be themselves, and they are taking full advantage of it.

So hubs and I were sitting at the dinner table when he said something about, now that the kids are getting a bit more self sufficient, I (meaning ME) can take time to take care of me. To do what I want.

Sweet thought and gesture. But you know what I did? I cried. Taking care of me is the scariest thing I can think of. No, no, I think I'm happy just taking care of you guys.

Taking care of me means that I'll have to actually go back to the cardiologist for my heart. That I will have to face the issues of my mammogram that I really don't want to think about. That I will have to actually lose the weight that I know is bad for my health. That I will have to think about something other than making my kids smile or take care of them.

See, when I became a mom, I had absolutely no intention of giving up my job. I was all set to have 8 weeks leave from teaching and then jump right back into it. But situations change and hubs got a relocation 3 states away. So I became a stay at home mom by default. It was not pretty at first. I felt worthless, I felt lonely, I felt like nothing I did meant anything. (don't judge, I don't feel that way now, but it's where I was at, at the time.)

It took some time to embrace this role. To enjoy the 10 minutes it takes to get everyone in the car, to always put their needs above my own. (Sometimes that includes not peeing for 6 hours straight.) But I love it. And now I can see that this time in my life is kinda closing. That although they do still need me, I also need to find my own thing. To look into myself and see what I want out of life for me. That scares the crap out of me. I'm scared I'm not that person anymore. Who am I going to be when they are gone? Who do I want to be? What's my excuse going to be for not taking care of myself then?

It's so much easier to hide behind the stroller than to stand alone.

9 comments:

Paging Doctor Mommy said...

I completely understand. I never thought that I would give up my career to be a stay at home mom, and now that I have had to give up being a stay at home mom to go back to my career... I HATE IT! I can't wait until I can return to "just" being Mommy!!!!

Tinika said...

I know how you feel. You spend so many years solely taking care of your kids that it's very hard to have them care for themselves. I know they are still little but you know what I mean. I'm at that same place. Good luck. I'm sure you'll do fine!

A little bit of me said...

As scary as it is, you started your life and marriage with out the kids. You were (and are) a fun, full of life woman!!!! Just take some time and fine your new passion. It is very scary to find out that you want to be something different when you grow up, but also very freeing when you own up to it! ;-) Love you girl!

~~Mel~~ said...

Girl it is time to take care of you! Look into those health issues as scary as they may be...though I'm one to talk I'm a big chicken myself...thinkin' of you and I can totally relate...I'm still hiding behind Riley most days and he's 9 and very independent.

Terri said...

It is scarey to stand along....but I agree with "a little bit of me" said, you started out alone. Have fun taking care of you!!!

禎峰 said...

你不能左右天氣,但你可以改變心情.............................................................

heidi said...

Do you ever just have nothing to add but want to comment on a post to let the person know you read it and appreciated it? That's what this is.

Take care of you.

麗芬 said...

路過看到好的blog,不推對不起自己.................................................................

姿吟姿吟 said...

一棵樹除非在春天開了花,否則難望在秋天結果。.................................................................