So this weekend was awesome. Heck, half the time I didn't even know where the kids where. This new house is perfect for them. They have so much to do and are safe everywhere, that they are just free to be themselves, and they are taking full advantage of it.
So hubs and I were sitting at the dinner table when he said something about, now that the kids are getting a bit more self sufficient, I (meaning ME) can take time to take care of me. To do what I want.
Sweet thought and gesture. But you know what I did? I cried. Taking care of me is the scariest thing I can think of. No, no, I think I'm happy just taking care of you guys.
Taking care of me means that I'll have to actually go back to the cardiologist for my heart. That I will have to face the issues of my mammogram that I really don't want to think about. That I will have to actually lose the weight that I know is bad for my health. That I will have to think about something other than making my kids smile or take care of them.
See, when I became a mom, I had absolutely no intention of giving up my job. I was all set to have 8 weeks leave from teaching and then jump right back into it. But situations change and hubs got a relocation 3 states away. So I became a stay at home mom by default. It was not pretty at first. I felt worthless, I felt lonely, I felt like nothing I did meant anything. (don't judge, I don't feel that way now, but it's where I was at, at the time.)
It took some time to embrace this role. To enjoy the 10 minutes it takes to get everyone in the car, to always put their needs above my own. (Sometimes that includes not peeing for 6 hours straight.) But I love it. And now I can see that this time in my life is kinda closing. That although they do still need me, I also need to find my own thing. To look into myself and see what I want out of life for me. That scares the crap out of me. I'm scared I'm not that person anymore. Who am I going to be when they are gone? Who do I want to be? What's my excuse going to be for not taking care of myself then?
It's so much easier to hide behind the stroller than to stand alone.
Earning My Punishments
18 hours ago