Thursday, January 28, 2010

The mall according to Heidi

So the other night I got to get out of the house...alone... and in the words of Sara, it was effing awesome! But while I was out, I made some very intellectual observations. *yeah, you should see how intellectual a 33 year old woman looks trying to type her findings into her Blackberry because she's too old to remember it all, while walking into people in the mall. Not so smart, but effing hilarious! (Yeah, I got an effing thing going... just go with it, you'll like it.)

So here are my findings:

1. What the hell is up with putting 3D origami roses on the boobs? Every effing store had shirts with this huge arse roses across the teets. Not cute at all! (Please forgive me if you are wearing one of these shirts, sitting at work, and just slumped a bit in your chair & looked around to see if anyone noticed you wearing origami on your shirt. I am sure you look great in it.)

2. Am I too old for the Candies, Misses section??? I'm afraid some alarm is going to go off if I take my old wrinkly butt over there, but there are some cute things that don't have roses on them, and I want to effing go play!

3. I totally have the whole 80's thing figured out. At first I was all, "Hell to the no, we are not reliving that ugly style again!" BUT...if those skinny biatches wear that baggy stuff & I wear fitted clothes, we might just meet somewhere in the middle and I'm gonna look hot. Feel free to use my theory.

4. I totally got a rash just walking past Abercrombie just smelling the perfume. (I have never been in that store, and even had to look up how to spell the effing name on Google just now. Old much???)

5. When you drink over 8 glasses of water for Weight Watchers (down 10 lbs, thank you very much) you have to PEE a freeking effing lot! So that means you find every effing public restroom in the mall. And all that squatting starts to hurt. Think I can count that squatting down for some activity points?

6. And.. it kinda sucks not having a stroller to put all my crap in. I had to effing carry it all by myself.

9 comments:

Sara said...

Ok, a couple of things...
1) Your perspective on things makes me laugh out loud when I read things like this post.
2)The mall has not been the same since the recent "upgrade" to a double stroller. How about a tatoo on my forehead that says "I'm a mom and so not cool anymore". But at least we don't cut off circulation in our fingers from heavy bags.
3)I walk into people all the time while typing.
4)I don't care who you are, the 80's look is whack. Don't go there, we did it once and that was enough.
5)...And finally...I just bought a shirt from the Limited with oragami flowers on it, so I was rolling on the floor laughing when I read this!! :)

Chelle said...

You're effing awesome. I love your wit and often feel as though you may be sitting in my head when you describe situations! And I swear my new favoritist shirt does NOT have an oragami flower on it.

mother goose said...

ha! this is effing funny! and yes squatting counts as working out. especially if you squeeze your buttocks on the down. LOL

Carri said...

OMG love this post. I too miss my stroller and being able to tote everything around easier. I personally would never wear the oragami rose but I have seen it and think it is cute. For other people of course. Candies is perfectly fine for us. If I can fit into it I will personally wear it.

Kim said...

I miss you....you make me laugh. I am just glad that I don't have any of the shirts with flowers on it. but, I did just buy some "jeggins" in the Jr. dept, and felt a little dirty after.....

CalgaryDaddy said...

Great Site! Just came across it from a mutual site. I like...

Shane

Alicia said...

LOL..I used to buy Candies!!!

Laura@Cowboy Boots said...

omg that was tooo funny and too true! stumbled upon ur blog and glad i did! :o) i agree about the 3d flowers on the boobs...i'm not trying to look like i've got nipple attachments!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

LOL awesome!

I know about the roses... sucks.

cause I have huge boobs so sucks more for me.

Oh and WW girl right here!!! Tell me about it with the water???

IT never stops either... just letting you know. ;)