This is kinda embarrassing to talk about, but you guys are my friends. (most of you, who is that guy in the back? Get out of here, I'm talking to my girlfriends. Nosy! OK, he's gone, we can discuss.)
OK, back to my story. I have this lady that I am starting to be friends with. We are in an organized playgroup together. Anyway, she invited me to a home party with her. How very sweet *and Midwestern of her* right? The thing is... the "home party" turned out to be a "Brown Bag Party." As in shhhhh.... hush hush.... sex toy party. (I know, blush, blush, breathe...) Maybe she discovered my post about trimming the bushes and thought I needed to be around my own kind and ask my questions. For whatever reason, I went.
Wanna know what goes on at these said parties? Well, first you all get naked.....
Not that bad... worse. First you have to put a index card on the top of your head and draw a naked man... (oh yeah, 20 women sittin around drawing naked men on our skulls. Good times and not a bit awkward)So then we play Move Your Bootie. (Oh yeah, I'm soooo excited about this one. Especially since I know NO ONE... it's not like I'm all giggling with my girlfriends here, I don't even know the lady who is hosting the thing, and there isn't near enough alcohol there.) So this game consists of everyone standing in a circle & the "sexultant" calling out "if you have ever...." move 2 spaces to the right.... WTH? You mean, I am seriously suppose to tell all these people things like... sex in public, 3 ways, bottoms up, costumes... You have got to be joking! My 'new' friend is over there just dying.... She keeps mouthing, "I'm so sorry." It's hilarious.
So we get our fun games out of the way & then it's time to shop. The sexultant tells you about all the "stuff" (I would totally be more direct with this but 1. My mom reads this blog... I can't do that. And 2. Do you know what kind of google hits I will get if I go all 'balls to the walls' with this stuff. So just use your imagination. Anywho... after using a small pencil topper in the shape of... you know... to rub nipple cream on our lips (YES MOTHER, I did it... in front of 20 women, and then screamed about how much it burned. *pssst, and then purchased it) We moved on to such things as battery operated machinery. So we finish up and I swear the line to order products was way more impressive than a Tupperware party, I will tell you that. But this brings me to the point of my post here. (I know long story, but how can I hold this one inside?)
So not to offend my host, yeah that's why I did it, I purchased a few items. Only that was WEEKS ago. And so I waited, and waited and waited... no "brown bag" coming my way. My husband waited, and waited, and waited... and even asked if I should call the lady. Can you imagine how that phone call would go?
Me: Um hey Sandy, I don't know if you remember me, but I came to your sex party? Yeah, I was the one screaming about nipple creme on my lips. Anywho, I was just wondering if you have received my bag of goodies? Should we call the company? Can we get a rush on that shipment?
Sandy: Uh lady, you are crazy...Please don't call my house again.
So I kept waiting.
Finally my new friend asks me if I have received my stuff. Evidently the lady has been driving around with it in her car. And after a few days of asking me if I got it yet. (That's not uncomfortable at all) The host delivers it on my doorstep yesterday. Sitting out in the wide open. Can you imagine if someone would have picked it up for me? But then again, it totally saved me the embarrassment of having to talk to the lady face to face and thank her for bringing my bag of delight to me.
So I get it all, start undoing and screwing in.... and you know what. One of the stupid thing doesn't work. NOW what do I do? Do I return it? Ha... as if. Maybe Craig's list. What do you think? After all that waiting... nothin'. So here is my advice to all of you. If you are gonna purchase theses said items, do so online. Don't waste your time and dignity at one of these parties. Just go ahead and do it yourself. Save the home parties for Pampered Chef or Tupperware.
Oh oh oh, I almost forgot. This is my favorite part. Check out this disclaimer.... So funny. Like who isn't gonna wash the sucker? You really need to tell someone this?
10 hours ago