Friday, April 3, 2009

This ain't your mamma's home party

So.....

This is kinda embarrassing to talk about, but you guys are my friends. (most of you, who is that guy in the back? Get out of here, I'm talking to my girlfriends. Nosy! OK, he's gone, we can discuss.)

OK, back to my story. I have this lady that I am starting to be friends with. We are in an organized playgroup together. Anyway, she invited me to a home party with her. How very sweet *and Midwestern of her* right? The thing is... the "home party" turned out to be a "Brown Bag Party." As in shhhhh.... hush hush.... sex toy party. (I know, blush, blush, breathe...) Maybe she discovered my post about trimming the bushes and thought I needed to be around my own kind and ask my questions. For whatever reason, I went.

Wanna know what goes on at these said parties? Well, first you all get naked.....

KIDDING, KIDDING.....

Not that bad... worse. First you have to put a index card on the top of your head and draw a naked man... (oh yeah, 20 women sittin around drawing naked men on our skulls. Good times and not a bit awkward)So then we play Move Your Bootie. (Oh yeah, I'm soooo excited about this one. Especially since I know NO ONE... it's not like I'm all giggling with my girlfriends here, I don't even know the lady who is hosting the thing, and there isn't near enough alcohol there.) So this game consists of everyone standing in a circle & the "sexultant" calling out "if you have ever...." move 2 spaces to the right.... WTH? You mean, I am seriously suppose to tell all these people things like... sex in public, 3 ways, bottoms up, costumes... You have got to be joking! My 'new' friend is over there just dying.... She keeps mouthing, "I'm so sorry." It's hilarious.

So we get our fun games out of the way & then it's time to shop. The sexultant tells you about all the "stuff" (I would totally be more direct with this but 1. My mom reads this blog... I can't do that. And 2. Do you know what kind of google hits I will get if I go all 'balls to the walls' with this stuff. So just use your imagination. Anywho... after using a small pencil topper in the shape of... you know... to rub nipple cream on our lips (YES MOTHER, I did it... in front of 20 women, and then screamed about how much it burned. *pssst, and then purchased it) We moved on to such things as battery operated machinery. So we finish up and I swear the line to order products was way more impressive than a Tupperware party, I will tell you that. But this brings me to the point of my post here. (I know long story, but how can I hold this one inside?)

So not to offend my host, yeah that's why I did it, I purchased a few items. Only that was WEEKS ago. And so I waited, and waited and waited... no "brown bag" coming my way. My husband waited, and waited, and waited... and even asked if I should call the lady. Can you imagine how that phone call would go?

Me: Um hey Sandy, I don't know if you remember me, but I came to your sex party? Yeah, I was the one screaming about nipple creme on my lips. Anywho, I was just wondering if you have received my bag of goodies? Should we call the company? Can we get a rush on that shipment?

Sandy: Uh lady, you are crazy...Please don't call my house again.

So I kept waiting.


Finally my new friend asks me if I have received my stuff. Evidently the lady has been driving around with it in her car. And after a few days of asking me if I got it yet. (That's not uncomfortable at all) The host delivers it on my doorstep yesterday. Sitting out in the wide open. Can you imagine if someone would have picked it up for me? But then again, it totally saved me the embarrassment of having to talk to the lady face to face and thank her for bringing my bag of delight to me.

So I get it all, start undoing and screwing in.... and you know what. One of the stupid thing doesn't work. NOW what do I do? Do I return it? Ha... as if. Maybe Craig's list. What do you think? After all that waiting... nothin'. So here is my advice to all of you. If you are gonna purchase theses said items, do so online. Don't waste your time and dignity at one of these parties. Just go ahead and do it yourself. Save the home parties for Pampered Chef or Tupperware.

Oh oh oh, I almost forgot. This is my favorite part. Check out this disclaimer.... So funny. Like who isn't gonna wash the sucker? You really need to tell someone this?

16 comments:

That Girl said...

lmao. I think I blushed for you by just reading that. You are brave for even going without really knowing any body. or maybe Im just a wimp. lol

Nikki B. said...

WELL HEIDI...I CAN'T BELEIVE YOU PARTICIPATED IN SUCH...SUCH...EWWWW...THINGS!!!

TOTALLY kidding!!! I went too, and kinda liked it!! Well, my products were okay, but then...

I saw the sexultant at my kids soccer game!!!!! And I was freaking out that she might come over and be all,

"Soooo, how's the super, duper, extra strength, extra large, promises to curl your toes, rabbit that you ordered, doing? It's good right? Do you love it?"

Well, thank god she didn't...but, after that, I decided that I'd order online. Aaaaand...when they ship it comes in a completely unmarked, plain, brown box...

Or, so I've been told...if I was into that sort of thing!!

Denise said...

LMAO! I've been to a couple of these parties and they can be horrific if you don't know anybody! My sissy just threw one and my part (b/c we live 1500 miles away) was to help her with the refreshments and to tell her a tad bit of advise... these women will open up and spend more if they are tipsy! Get 'em Drunk!

kristi said...

My sister has ordered things online and they come in a box and they put it on your porch. AAAK!

Mary Teresa said...

This makes me laugh. Hahha. My sister is one of the "sextultants." The company she sells through has a pg-13 rated catalog with lotions and massage products (to be used for actually massage *hint hint*) and then the x-rated catalog with all the crazy dancing things. She always recommends inviting people you're close too and having some drinks and dinner before. That way even the woman that don't know each other, have a chance to relax and mingle a bit. Glad it went...ok. =D

andria said...

I'd be totally returning the broken thing, because no way does anyone sell me something I can't use! There has to be a number somewhere.

I got a good laugh from that.

heidi said...

LOL I can't even imagine going to a party like that with people I don't know. THey'd have to be handing out jello shots first or something!

Jean said...

I would definitely require booze for one of these parties. Shame on them for not providing any.
Could you tell your "new" friend that the thing didn't work? Then maybe she ask the consultant? Cause I don't think I could call her either. Though, knowing my hubs he'd be calling the lady himself. :)

Mother Goose said...

roflrofl, my sister in law had a party like this! I was just so bummed I didn't get to go! But, first my curiousity is peaked, I wanna know what you ordered!!!

there is a really upscale good company that my other sister in law and all her church friends go to, its called pure romance or something like that. It is very discrete and not a city corner type biz. I would not like the brown bag showing up on my doorstep. Anyone could just get it and open it up.

If I order anything, I want that sucker sealed tight!

Musings of the Mrs. said...

Too funny. I would have been so embarrassed. I will not be going to such parties, thanks to your warning. And, yes, you should return it, although, that would mean you tried to use it...yeah, maybe not.

Kelly said...

Just stumbled across your blog and I have to say this is the funniest thing I have read in a long time.

AnneYarbs79 said...

Oh. My. God. Bless your heart.

(Now excuse me while I go LMAO. This story just made my morning...)

~~Mel~~ said...

I have not only attended but hosted one of these parties lol...our sexultant was great and we didn't have to play any stupid games...

JenLive! said...

OMG!!! The whole time, were you thinking, "I'm so blogging about this."?

Hard liquor should definitely be served at such events. Of course, I'd be the dork in the back raising her hand to ask questions...

M said...

Remind me to tell you how the Post Office worker screwed me over on one of those brown boxes...its too bad my granny reads my blog or I'd just put the whole damn story up there....

whitney said...

LOVE YOU!!!! When I need to feel better, you ALWAYS make me smile!