Monday, November 17, 2008

Is that a mouse in your mouth, or you just happy to see me?

My guess is that I am never going to be picked for the Amazing Race or Survivor, but I will be the next America's Funniest Home Video winner. That is if anyone actually has a camera handy the next time I pull a stunt like this one.

It started on a cool November night. I was home alone with the children for the evening and decided to shake it up a bit & grab some fast food. But before we could set out on our heart attack in a box adventure, I needed to get my cat in the house. Well, we live in the middle of a corn field. Not alone, I mean our subdivision was literally a corn field 2 years ago and has recently been erected, but the field still surrounds us. So I go traipsing through the unconstructed lands looking for my cat. She does not want to come in and looks a bit like Simba in the pouncing lesson on the Lion King. So I give some 'tough love' and tell her she will just have to wait for us to get home before taking my spot on the couch. (I know, I am so harsh, huh?)

So we get our crap food, and pull back into the garage. I see the cat dart into the garage and silently think, "serves you right for making me go walking out in the field to get your butt, now you are begging to get in the house." So I come up with this amazing plan to carry all of the food & get my toddler into the house in one trip. The 6 year old is on her own. So I get us out of the car, I am holding the food & the little guy is going to walk. OK! Sounds like a plan, right? Only my plan did not have a cat eating a mouse right in front of the garage doorway and the toddler finding it totally fascinating while his mother's hands are full of food. Oh yes, that's right folk. Dead mouse! RIP Jerry - Tom ate your ass.

Now here is the part where anyone who knows me in real life is cracking up. I am literally labeled "Chicken Shit." You want to know who gave me this title? The people responsible for my therapy? My parents. You know, the ones that are suppose to love you till death do you part. Oh crap, wait, that's marriage, I guess I am screwed, they didn't take any vows to love me, just to make fun of me. Well, anyway. I see this gigantic, ferocious, beast little mouse, and freak. And when I say freak, I mean literally throw the food and drinks in the van, pick up my small child and hurl him across the seats until his face smacks the other window and scream like there is no tomorrow to my other child to get in the van like her life depended on it. I am literally sitting in a booster seat stressing on how to get in the door without letting the cat take her prey in with her. And what do I do? Oh, little ol' mature me, calls my mom & dad. You know, the ones who gave me that lovely nickname. (not the smartest idea, but that would be their OTHER nickname for me - Dingy) You can see how much these folks love me, huh?

So I am sitting in the back seat of the van and my daughter, the cool headed one, says, "Oh, mom, it's a dead mouse, get out of the van." Thanks kid! Can't you have this one phobia with me? Anyway, after my parents laugh hysterically and hang up, I realize that my kids are looking at me like I have totally lost it, (no idea why they would think that) and I still have to get into the house. I finally get a broom to shoo the cat away, step over the guts of a half eaten mouse, and get my kids in through the front door. All is well. Then I quickly email my husband threatening his life if it wasn't gone before I leave in the morning.

But every story does have a silver lining. There was no way I was eating after that. I just saved myself 400+ calories.

16 comments:

Rebekah said...

ROFLOL- I have a few 'mouse' stories in my past as well.

Nikki B. said...

OMG...i can TOTALLY feel your pain!!! my stomach was turning just reading it!

Kameron said...

Oh my!! I would have probably done the same thing. I hate being surprised like that! I threw a bag of trash on the opossum that was in our trash can a few weeks ago as I also screamed and ran back in the house!

Mommy Daisy said...

That is hilarious. Poor you. I would have done the same thing...well maybe not for a dead mouse.

Katie Madsen said...

Heidi, I just have to let you know that my cat made it in the house just a few weeks ago with a chipmunk and I wish it was dead when it came in the house. I was chasing the chipmunk around with the broom while the cat watched me and the little one was in the car running the garage door up and down.

Junita said...

LOL - just wait until your cat brings in a half dead bird that kills itself by flying into a window inside your house....good times

K and/or K said...

I would have driven away and stayed in a hotel! Kudos to you for calling the rents and making it inside on the skinnier side!

Heather said...

Oh my gosh, that's hilarious!!! I think I love the part about your son "smacking into the window" the best... which of course, probably didn't literally happen. But just picturing the hysteria is great. : ) Oh yeah, nice diet plan too.

Heather of the EO said...

I probably would have just run from the garage and down the street, leaving my children to fend for themselves. So you're more brave than you think :)

Nice to "meet" you!

Jillene said...

I am not a scardy cat EXCEPT when it comes to mice/rats!! I DETEST them!! They freak me out!! I would have done the SAME thing!!

Sus said...

My husband is the squeamish one in our house. Whoever deals with dead rodents gets at 10 minute back rub for thanks, and I so deeply desire back rubs that I do it, audibly assuring myself the whole time that it is dead, just dead matter, just a mouse, no big deal, just a little insignificant rodent, etc. etc.

Ew, I just got a little cold chill.

Annette said...

It's funny how cats bring their KILL home to show off! We always had our cat leave them (dead mice) on our front porch!
It's seems so sick and twisted but in a way there is a comfort factor. Due to sick and disgusting animal instincts of your kitty ,it's less likely you'll have sick and disgusting mice in your house.
Thanks for visiting and looking at all the fine messes on my BLOG!
Loved your post. Hilarious!

Heidi said...

Hilarious!! I am not quite as petrified as you are of mice...but definitely a close second. I really think the surprise factor is a major part of it. I am not scared of bugs or mice outside...but when they sneak up on me in my house or where I am not expecting them, I totally freak out!

Kristi said...

Ha ha ha! Here is a mouse story for you. My mother left the water in the kitchensink overnight, and I lifted up the drain to let the water out, and something was clogging it. Food of course. So I grab what is clogging it and in my hand is a wet, soggy, drowned mouse!!!Yes...I screamed, threw the mouse, which hit the kitchen window and went back into the sink. My mother finds me on the kitchen floor kicking my legs into the air and screaming. Yes...I was in highschool. Mice are creepy I tell ya.

heidi said...

You have to STOP! I literally burst out LAUGHING!

Mommyto2 said...

Wow. I think it would have freaked me out too. Drink wine. It has a calming affect. Check this out
http://www.wineatfive.net/2008/11/my-son-is-afraid-of-mouseand-im-workin.html
(you probably won't be laughing) I guess it's just that time of year.