Thursday, September 4, 2008

I'm off to jail if anyone needs me

So my days of blissful relaxing are over. I realized today that I will probably have my children taken away, my husband will divorce me because of it, I will lose my house, my car and my credit cards. I will have to move back in with my parents 15 hrs. from here and even get a job.

What's that? You want to know why my life is ruined? Are you sure? Well, OK, we are close friends, I will tell you, but you have to promise not to tell anyone, I could get in trouble. It's because my son has discovered two new talents, both of which he learned and used today. First of all he discovered how to unlock the front door. (You gasped didn't you? I know, I did too when I saw it.) He was out in a flash. Oh crap! There is no baby gate to block the font door. My house is already a set of strategically placed dead ends of baby gates that it feels like you are in one of those mazes in an activity book or one of those stupid corn mazes, only less hay. The next Houdini trick he executed was to to patiently wait for someone to not latch the baby gate blocking entrance to the hallway that leads out to the garage, push his play lawn mower over to the garage door openers, stand on the mower to reach the buttons and push them open. This is how I found the little booger this afternoon, playing in the DRIVEWAY! Yeah, you heard that right. (Please don't turn me in, I don't want to go to jail!) It was only for a minute, but Holy Bad Mother Batman!

So if you don't hear from me for a while, it seems that I have been taken in by the state. If any of you want my children, I do want them to go to good homes. (I would leave them with their father, but he will eventually have the same thing happen to him and be put in jail also.... I hope they allow conjugal visits, this thing might work out for us, who has time for that sort of stuff these days when you are chasing kids in the driveway and out the door.)

23 comments:

Jill said...

Well if they take you, then they're going to have to take the whole lot of us....

I found my now 3.5 year old walking down the middle of the street (thankfully it was a relatively quiet street). While I was putting groceries away she decided to take a walk... and unlocked the door leading to the garage, opened up the garage, and walked out.

After I retrieved my jaw from the floor, ran with her inside to do the punishing (lord knows I wasn't going to discipline in public), we started dead bolting. It was the only way she couldn't get out!

Busymama Kellie said...

That is absolutely frightening! Can you imagine what would happen if you didn't see him go out? That is one of my biggest fears!

Scarlet O'Kara said...

Oh my goodness! What a crafty little guy! Call me and I will be sure to post bail! You can do the same for me when Bryleigh gets going!

Mommy Daisy said...

I feel so lucky that my son isn't such a thrill seeker. But my younger sister (middle child) was an escape artist when she was about that age. My parents had to put chicken wire/fencing over the outside of our upstairs bedroom window, so she didn't fall out. And they had to put a lock up high on the front door, so she couldn't reach it and take off. She would have done both given the chance.

Good luck!

Leah said...

Yup, been there before. Except...my 2 year old (now 4.5 and yes, she still lives at home) snuck out at 7am while I was sleeping with a very sick baby. She was picked up by the POLICE after walking down the street in her jammies. It was the most horrible day of my LIFE!!! Fortunately, we did not go to jail, but CPS did come to our house to check things out. Fortunately I had actually cleaned the day before! They warned us that next time we would go to jail (not really) but they did advise that we put hotel latches at the top of all the doors that lead to the outside. You can be darn sure that we have them now!
And I praise God everyday that He protected her from all of the evil that could have ensued from her runaway experience.

Suzie said...

Oh my god that is so scary!!!!! My oldest can unlock the door too but he has yet to venture outside...yet

Mama Zen said...

They always learn how to unlatch the door "suddenly," don't they? The day my daughter figured it out, she made it two blocks from our house.

Maybe, we can share a cell?

Danielle (Life with the Hewitt Family) said...

Oh my! We have those silly things on the door knobs, if we didn't I am sure my son would be up to the same tricks. The bad things about the plastic things on the doors is that other people have a hard time leaving your house because they can't get the door opened...I guess it is kinda funny that they are not only child-proof but also adult-without-small-children-proof.

M said...

He did not! He's such a stinker. But your other readers are correct, there would be a lot of us in there...

G was only about 18 months the time she chased Reesie out into the road while my back was turned loading the trunk of my car. Good thing they have guardian angels!

Bar-b said...

Nooobody knows...the trouble I see.....nooooobody knows but Jesus. this is the song I imagine people sing in prison.

Good luck, maybe there's wireless :)

dani c said...

I have to be honest and say that I too am guilty of loosing my kids. My daughter learned how to unlatch the the tippity top latch lock with a broom handle.
Well, one morning she so carefully unlatched it and walked up the street in a diaper in the middle of winter. Thank God my neighbors saw here and brought her back, but I was damned close to a jail cell.
What we did do to fix it was buy the door alarm thingys. Everytime a door opens an alarm goes off. That saved my life.

mah-meeee said...

holy crap! i would have a heart attack if my kids have the skills of your son. your son is very skilled indeed.

thisisme said...

Oh My Goodness...you had my heart in my throat at the start of reading that...I was glad to find out everything turned out okay.
Those little eyes study the things we do and when the fingers figure out how to mimic, oh the things they can get into!
We had to change the locks in our home to double sided (key on both sides) because my daughter was turning into quite the little flight risk.

McMama said...

I don't think I posted about it but this totally happened to me a month or so ago. Also, my kid was NAKED. Luckily a neighbor saw him, clothed him, and the apartment complex's maintenance guys knew where we lived. Of course the lady didn't find that out until AFTER they called the police. BUT I still have my kids. I think it happens to the best of us.

The Laundress said...

You're cracking me up.

They better not take you, I just found you damnit.

Go hide. Color your hair, change your name...hee hee...

JenLive! said...

OMG!

My youngest was able to get out of any strapped situation (strollers, Hight chairs, etc) before she could walk. I couldn't leave her alone for a second! Now she's in Kindergarten. Hallelujah! See, this, too, shall pass!

Jean said...

We've all had our "Mother of the Year" episodes. There wouldn't be enough jails in the world to house all the parenting mistakes we've made. Think of all those poor orphaned children...when all the parents of the world are in the pen.

Angela said...

Yes I have the same problem
scary kids can be

Kellan said...

This was so funny - especially that last paragraph - HA!

Have a good weekend - Kellan

GoteeMan said...

for some reason, both of mine would try to dart into the road, once I caught one by the hand as he stepped in front of a car... omgosh, my heart leapt out of my chest...


J/ (goteeman.blogspot.com)

Chuckie said...

it's too late. i've already called you in. you're a sick, sick woman. but wait. i don't know where you live, your name or even your kids' names. so, i lied. i didn't make the call. so sue me or cut me -- whichever term you feel comfortable with.

Karen said...

Been there... done that. Hasn't everyone? As soon as our first learned to open a door on her own and let herself out we put hotel locks at the tops of the doors. Eventually she learned to climb on something to open that too, but it sure slowed her down. :-)

Cary said...

Yep- and if he's like mine, he can even open the door with one of those safety knobs on there. My 4 year old can't turn the safety knob, but you can be sure that my 20 month old can! Who are the people that make these "safety" items anyway? Don't they know that a determined child wins every time?