Do you ever feel useless? Or I guess helpless would be the more appropriate word, but right now I am feeling pretty useless.
Living 15 hours away from my mom when she needs me, makes me feel useless! In the past 2 years she has had 4 major surgeries. I only made it to one, the first one. She had a 9 hr. surgery on her back. Since then she has had a second mastectomy for breast cancer, she had her first one when she as 36. During that, I was 30+ weeks pregnant and 18 hrs. away. Useless! She then had another surgery on her spinal cord where they went in through the front of her neck, she wore a neck brace for weeks, I never saw the brace, I had just had a new born and still lived 18+ hrs away. Useless! And then she fell and shattered her shoulder requiring pins and had to wear a sling and do rehab. When I saw her for the first time afterwards, I didn't even know which shoulder it was. How could I not know, I am her daughter, I should know these things, but I wasn't there. Useless!
Now, I know that my father and my sister are taking wonderful care of her & being there for everything she could possibly need. The have washed and fixed her hair for her, they have nursed her back to health, (or as healthy as you can be when you are on a walker for over a year and just getting ready for the next surgery.) I know my other sister is 5 hrs away and comes in like gangbusters taking care of everything else when she gets there. But me, I stay home with my two small kids who would be more harm than help. I sit by the phone waiting for phone calls, and research everything I can on the computer. I send cards, letters, care packages and flowers. But all I can feel is useless.
My mom was suppose to have another surgery tomorrow, this one where they cut the front of her neck and then turn her over to cut the back of her neck. This one she was going to be in ICU with a breathing tube. In the past week I have struggled with the feelings of uselessness, trying to explain to her why I can't come AGAIN, knowing she completely understands, but feeling like I need to say it for myself more than for her. But the surgery got scratched due to "complications." How much more can this lady take. She now has a vein that could be cut and cause bleeding problems, she has blood problems... the whole nine yards of "complications." And I am not there to .. well, just to be there. I feel useless to her for not just showing my face, I feel useless for my dad and sister for not alleviating some of the work. I feel useless for myself, and not being able to hug my mom when she needs it. I just feel useless.
11 hours ago